Student Spotlight: Current Student Claire Kelly on Imposter Syndrome and the MBCT Master's Course

Claire Kelly is currently a student on the Master's programme in MBCT, about to embark on her second year. Below, she shares her experiences of getting to Oxford through the 'Beast from the East' to attend her MSt interview.

Never Underestimate the Power of the Weather –
Imposter Syndrome and the MBCT Masters Course

I have a lot to be thankful for. In particular, I am eternally grateful to the infamous ‘Beast from the East’ – a wave of cold weather that brought widespread unusually low temperatures and heavy snowfall to many parts of the UK and across Europe in February and March 2018.

On the day of my interview for the MSt in Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), the temperature had dropped to −14 °C (7 °F) in the Cairngorms in Scotland, and a mere -5°C in Oxford. Trains from my local station in Suffolk had ground to a halt, so I faced a car journey across country on a day when all advice from media and friends was to do very much the contrary.

On the positive side, my white-knuckled drive diverted my attention away from the rising grip of ‘imposter syndrome’, and focused it instead on simply staying alive while driving on black ice on A and B roads across the Home Counties.

When I arrived at Kellogg College 4 hours later, I walked into the interview room with more of an air of heart-melting gratitude and relief than anxiety. I was alive and nothing else in that moment mattered!

The interview experience itself is a little blurred in my memory. The interview panel were warm and welcoming, and seemed almost surprised to see me at all.  I also remember laughing hysterically once or twice - further evidence of the sheer relief and disbelief that I was there at all, and not lying in a ditch somewhere outside Brackley.

Yet that interview experience could have been so different. Indeed, I came very close to not applying for the Masters at all, dismissing the initial idea pretty swiftly as folly. I simply wasn’t experienced/clever/beatifically mindful enough to be considered even for interview. I wasn’t a clinician or psychotherapist. While I had worked with people teetering on the edge of mental illness, this had been in the context of schools and other youth-focused organisations (Mindfulness in Schools Project), and I certainly struggled to distinguish IAPT (the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies programme) from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

I didn’t realise it then, but I had become a spectacular case study for my own learning on the Masters course:  my processing was very much ‘discrepancy-based’; my ‘Default Mode Network’ was working overtime; I was living, breathing evidence that the human brain is ‘fertile ground for a harvest of suffering’ (Hanson, 2009).

With an overwhelming sense on ‘not being good enough’, I apologetically snuck into the teaching room on that first day of the first teaching block in the first year of the MSt in MBCT. Once seated, the first thing I noticed was the geographical reach of the group. We originated from Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Turkey, Poland, Germany, Spain... and Suffolk. More striking still was the breadth of interest and experience. We had lawyers, doctors, clinical psychologists, charity workers, counsellors, executives for high end brands that shall remain nameless, retired airline pilots, teachers - all with the shared intention of becoming part of a community of practitioners in MBCT, helping to reduce suffering, promote resilience and realise human potential through mindfulness.

Since then, we have become a happy band of idealists, riding the waves of 4,000 word essays, intensive retreats, and communicating via WhatsApp between teaching blocks from the 4 corners of the globe, all with a reassuringly similar range of very human questions or concerns.

I recognise that we are still in the final ‘honeymoon period’ of Year 1. Year 2 is likely to be a slightly different ballgame – more intensive, more teaching and assessment-focused, and much larger word counts all round! However, when I reflect back on that freezing day in March 2018, I have no regrets. My inner critic still occasionally reminds me that I may be an ‘imposter’ in the midst of clinically experienced and blindingly brilliant minds, but I now just listen and silently say, ‘thank you for the information’.

At the risk of sounding romantic, this past year for me has been very much a process of thawing and warming - of heart, mind and body. I feel very humble to be part of the Masters course, to receive such wisdom from a profoundly skilful teaching team, and to learn as much again from the group of intrepid fellow students.

Never underestimate the power of the weather!

          Reference:

Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom. Oakland, CA, USA: New Harbinger.

Claire graduated from Cambridge University in Social and Political Science. Soon afterwards, she embarked on a career in education, teaching Psychology, Politics, and Philosophy to A level for over 25 years, 20 of which were at Senior Management level.

Having begun training in mindfulness to help support her through the physical and mental toll her 75 hour weeks were taking on her, Claire quickly recognised the benefits in terms of both mental and physical health, self-efficacy and mental space for creativity, planning and decision-making.

More importantly, it gave her a sense of actually ‘showing up’ for and appreciating life, rather than floating through it on autopilot. In 2012, Claire joined the UK charity Mindfulness in Schools Project (MiSP) as their Director of Curricula and Training. As part of her role she creates classroom content, and trains teachers to deliver mindfulness-based programmes in school settings for 7-18 year-olds. She has also worked with MYRIAD research team, overseeing the .b teacher training programmes on behalf of MiSP as part of the research.

She has taught mindfulness in a range of settings, including traditional primary and secondary schools, the Guildhall School of Music and Drama in London, pupil referral units (short-stay schools), medical schools, the NHS, Multi-Academy Trusts, to educational and clinical psychologists, in universities (University College London, Kings College London) , and on public courses. 

Alumni Spotlight: Gwen Adshead

Gwen Adshead is a forensic psychiatrist and psychotherapist who completed the Master's in MBCT in 2012.Below she discusses how the course encouraged her to explore new professional pathways, whilst also supporting her own personal understanding of mental health. 

I am grateful for a chance to say 'hello' to those who are interested in the Oxford MBCT course; and to say "thank you" to those wonderful teachers and fellow trainees in the class of 2012. What I'll try and do is explain how I came to do the course and what I learned from it: bearing in mind that I have limited word count!

 

I'm a forensic psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who works with people who have committed crimes of violence when they were mentally ill or distressed. I therefore work in prisons and secure mental health services, with people who suffered high levels of chronic depression and hopelessness. I looked at John Teasdale's original research and Mark Williams' trials of MBCT in chronic depression; and I thought this intervention might have potential for helping the people whose problems I know best.

I had two other reasons for studying MBCT. I was involved with a friend in a discussion about how cognitions are different, or change, between states of well-being and states of sadness. We wondered if these incompatible cognitive states of mind mirror incompatible states in quantum physics; I know nothing about quantum physics but I thought I could learn more about depressive cognitions, which might help his work.

Finally, I could have been a subject in the MBCT treatment trials. Postnatally, I had developed a relapsing depression which had responded to antidepressants but had also come back three times. I was intrigued about what I could learn personally about mood regulation as well as professionally.

So, what happened? Well, I obviously learned an enormous amount about the clinical value of MBCT. I went back to work and set up mindfulness practice groups for staff and patients: and we got a good response from those who could engage. Engagement was a serious problem though for forensic patients, possibly because of their repeated experience of trauma in childhood and adulthood. Still the program was successful for those who could engage, and so it remains to be seen whether and how forensic patients can learn mindfulness: work in progress.

However, I have to say that the most important outcome of the course was its impact on me personally. I found the practice painful and difficult at the start, but the compassion practices helped me to take psychological pain seriously, mine and other people's. I haven't had a relapse of my depression since 2012: and I've got a better understanding of how avoidance of pain is a major contributor to psychopathology. I got interested in how health care professionals manage the pain of others’ distress, and with two other marvelous colleagues (both of whom are experienced mindfulness practitioners), I set up a series of retreats for doctors who want to learn about self-care and resilience in their practice. I've now been to Ammerdown many times, with deep joy and thankfulness.

So, the course changed me in many ways; life changing is not too strong a phrase. It helped me professionally and personally: and set me off on new clinical paths and new ways of thinking of about psychological therapies. I can't thank the teachers enough, and they feature in my practices regularly. And I learned enough to help Roger get his paper published in a quantum physics journal; but don't ask me to explain it to you!

Alumni Spotlight: Darko Lovric

Darko Lovric completed the Master’s in Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy in 2012, and now works in innovation and people analytics in New York. 

Below, Darko discusses three aspects of the course – personal meditation practice, scholarly detachment and teaching – and how he continues to use the skills developed during the programme in his everyday life.

  


Three ways MBCT helped me to take mindfulness into the world 

Mindfulness often implicitly implies a separation from the world. Sitting on a mat removed from everyday habits of the mind and body. Attending a retreat. Retreating to a mountaintop. Spirituality is frequently contrasted with the everydayness of life, and the path forward entails leaving our normality behind and entering a different space. 

While certainly a time-tested tradition across spiritual practices, such an approach leaves most of those interested in meditation with an obstacle and a challenge. An obstacle in creating a separate space for meditation, and a challenge in understanding how exactly this practice will benefit the lives they do not plan to leave behind. 

The Breathing Space meditation has fundamentally transformed my practice – the simple act of cessation of everyday frantic activity and turning inward while remaining within my everyday context has enabled me to see and live mindfulness woven within the fabric of the everyday. Breathing Space has for me been the bridge between my mindfulness practice and my practice of daily living, reminding me again and again that mindfulness is not linked with a posture, place or space but rather by the quality of internal attention, that can be helpful anywhere and everywhere. 

Secondly, MBCT has helped me was to skilfully separate the practice of meditation from a belief system. While seemingly easy, this task required great skill - for the best instructions about mindfulness (how and why to practice) come from within existing belief systems and are connected with it in myriad ways, with threads that both illuminate and bind. Too many approaches either accept the belief system completely, or ignore it to their detriment - and it is in this area that scholarly detachment and nuance becomes invaluable. To preserve the teaching while not requiring a subscription to the belief system is a hard task - but essential if mindfulness is going to become a more established part of life across our diverse world. 

Finally, MBCT course was designed for a dual purpose - to develop one’s own practice whilst learning how to facilitate the practice of others. Shifting back and forth between these perspectives is immensely helpful, turning what is by necessity a solitary practice into a communicable and shared experience that binds groups together. Much like advice for mastering any subject centres on explaining the topic to others, so deepening one’s own practice benefits from the task of crystalizing it to others. Conversely, the act of skilfully teaching from personal experience without becoming too didactic is a great test of an experienced meditator (and one with which I certainly struggled) - the temptation to escape into words and a teaching role and away from the unfolding inner experience is strong, and mimics well the pull of the everyday. Learning how to expertly engage with such pressures has been a great way to ensure my mindfulness practice becomes deeper and more resilient. 

While by no means the only things I’ve learned, these three aspects of the course have undoubtedly made me a better meditator and a better teacher. 

What would a typical teaching block involve?

At the end of every teaching block we ask all students to complete a short survey providing feedback on the teaching they have received during the few days they have spent in Oxford. We really appreciate any comments or suggestions, and we take everything into consideration, from seemingly minor issues, such as teaching rooms and meditation mats, to recommendations on guest speakers, suggestions on expanding the teaching of particular topics, or proposals for incorporating new material into the programme.

One of the aspects of the course which students consistently praise is the combination of the experiential and the academic, the variety of experience and learning contained within each teaching session. Each block aims to provide a balance between allowing students to experience MBCT from the inside, as participants, and providing rigorous theory on relevant themes, for instance on the clinical background of MBCT, current research in neuroscience, or embodied cognition in Buddhist psychology. 

A typical three-day teaching block in the first year would normally begin with an experiential day, during which participants have the opportunity to follow guided meditation practice and deepen their personal commitment to mindfulness meditation. Since there would typically be a break of six-eight weeks between teaching blocks, many students find this shared practice a very apt way to re-engage and focus on the fundamentals of MBCT. Feedback from current students has indicated that participants see these experiential days as not only an opportunity to cement their own practice, but also a chance to nurture themselves, a fundamental step in MBCT teachers personal and professional development. Students are encouraged to reflect on their own practice throughout the day, to be aware of their experience, and are also encouraged to keep a diary of their practice throughout the year, which will eventually form the basis for the reflective analysis, a written piece integrating personal experience of meditation practice with research and clinical principles covered in the course.

The second day would typically involve teaching from a guest speaker on a relevant topic, for instance on cognitive science. A recent visitor to Oxford to teach on the MSt in MBCT was Professor Norman Farb from the University of Toronto who presented a psychological model of mindfulness, speaking on A Practical Neuroscience of Mindfulness. During his visit to Oxford Professor Farb also presented his research at the Department of Psychiatry, speaking on Trajectories of Vulnerability and Resilience in Recurrent Depression. If you would like to get a taster of Norman Farb’s work, you can view his talk online below:

The third teaching day would normally cover a further specialist area, for instance Buddhist theory and philosophy. John Peacock, who is Co-Director of the Master’s Programme, is also our resident expert in this field, having been a Buddhist scholar and practitioner for thirty years. The MSt programme covers a wide range of topics from Buddhist theory, from embodied cognition, to the proliferation of thought in the construction of experience, to the concept of dependent origination. If you would like to listen to John Peacock on a range of topics, you can find podcasts of some of his talks available here.